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Hello E.T., I am a relatively private senior who is living off campus for the first time with some friends of mine, who all happen to be in a polycule. The house is a bit small, and there are only two beds. One is mine, and the other is my roommates’. Sometimes they sleep on the couch as well. They recently all went thrifting, which I did not participate in, seeing as I had to focus on vocal exercises for my upcoming performance, and they were all trying on hats. I generally object to such activities and I was quickly vindicated when they all came back with lice. Only one has been spared, who is now trying to sleep in my bed. I am uncomfortable with them doing this, as they are a very violent sleeper and have hit me in the head more than once. I would suggest they move to the couch, but our friend is currently visiting for an intense Magic: The Gathering tournament for the whole of this month. I have no other connections on campus, so I am resorting to sleeping in the Reed library, as I have found a study room that the staff never checks at night. However, the other people in the library are still too loud for my bedtime of 6:00pm. I have not gotten my necessary 12 hours for my vocal recuperation, and am worried, not only for my future housing accommodations, but also for my upcoming performance. What am I to do with this situation? — A Hopeless Thesiser
Wow. Your first mistake is living with a polycule. Your second mistake was letting the polycule exist in one room. You have control over the polycule: take back your room, do not let the lice-infested polycule infect your room. It’s your home, too, if you can call it that. Find some flea medication for your feral roommates. Let them dog pile in the shower while you comb the bugs out of their hair, instead of them dog piling in their room. If all else fails, Wirecutterrecommends the Philips Norelco Shaver 9500 for the closest rotary shave and the Gillette Mach3 as the best manual shaver. I suggest you shave your polycule and give them a good rinse. Do not sleep in the library, I beg of you. It is a sacred space. Also, don’t go to bed at 6:00pm.