Quest Bought by Jeffrey Bezos in Wake of National Text Scandal
On Monday, March 31, the Quest made the official decision to sell our publication to Jeffrey Bezos, founder of Amazon and owner of The Washington Post and Blue Origin. The Quest was purchased by Bezos for over $120 million, which was a little less than half of the purchase price of The Washington Post, and at least more than ten times the Quest’s independently estimated value of $20 and a box of Capri-Suns.
Bezos’s interest in the Quest was sparked by an article published on March 24 by the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg. The article, which caused national uproar, was entitled, “The Trump Administration Accidentally Texted Me Its War Plans,” and exposed how top national security officials and Vice President J.D. Vance shared sensitive information regarding military strikes in Yemen over Signal, an encrypted messaging service.
On the evening of March 22, Goldberg reached out to the Quest for advice on the matter. “It seemed that what happened at Reed College could provide insight into the benefits and downsides of publishing text messages, given some of the similarities between the situations,” Goldberg explained. “In both cases, the sensitive material involved presidential text messages. Close enough, right?” Goldberg applauded the Quest’s sage advice, which was, and we quote, “So long as you get ready to die, bitch!”
In a tweet published by The Atlantic’s official account, the Atlantic credited the Quest as an influence. The tweet, which reads, “The editorial staff at the Atlantic wants to thank the student journalists at @TheReedQuest for their advice and encouragement. Roll tide!” was published late on the night of March 24. The social media editor seemed to believe that “roll tide” is a generic collegiate rallying cry, but we digress. The tweet caught the attention of Elon Musk, owner of Twitter (which we still refuse to call X, because that name is dumb as all hell), who responded, “How can I get in touch with the Queditors?” Users on the app directed Musk to the quebsite and to the quemail address. We are still unclear on how he knew to add “qu-” to the word “editor,” but our investigative journalists are on the case. We suspect that Musk’s ketamine usage caused him to quear. Many such cases.
After establishing initial and contentious communication on March 26 via the quemail, Musk offered the Quest $500,000 for oversight of our publication, preemptively tweeting, “I want it, I bought it. You like my hair? Gee thanks, just bought it. I see it, I like it, I want it, I bought it (nail polish application emoji)” which is a reference to Ariana Grande’s 2019 trap-pop single, “7 Rings.” However, the Quest did not accept this initial offer. It was after Musk’s tweet that Jeffrey Bezos reached out to the Quest.
Bezos’s motivations, which were more thoroughly outlined, could not fit into a 15-second song snippet in an Instagram story. Bezos, on his interest in our publication, wrote, “It became clear to me that events happening at Reed College, and therefore in the Quest, could possibly be used as a way to predict larger national events. I want to be able to have my team of analysts look closely at every article before it is released to the public, given that the Quest is no longer just a puny local publication, of little respect and regard to even their dozen readers, but is now of true national interest. It would be a privilege to pick the minds of the editors about their editorial decisions and processes. The Quest could possibly become the most important seismometer for the American political landscape since the Pew Research Center.”
Bezos initially offered the Quest $100 million for the publication, which was twice Musk’s offer. However, the Quest asked for an additional $20 million. “Although we understand that a hundred-millie is a boatloadddddd of money,” layout editor Izzy Rosa ‘28, “we wanted the extra twenty-millie so we can have our quorgies on a yacht, because cleaning the sex couch is getting, like, crazy tedious. We wanna party like Emilio Pucci. We want our money UP! Jordan Belforttttt!” At the end of their comment, Rosa started using the iPhone application “Ham Ham” to play celebratory rap horn sound effects. The app is free for download on the App Store, but has since been banned usage in the Quoffice or at any official Quest meeting due to concerns over psychological consequences.
After being criticized by advisors for offering and obliging such steep purchasing prices, Bezos stated, “I’m richer than God.” The purchase was settled on April 1. Following the purchase, editors were offered admittance to countless graduate schools in journalism and in their respective fields of study, with the only stipulation that they must first graduate.
When asked about their offer of admission to Piper S. McKeever ‘26 for their Ph.D. program in philosophy, a representative from M.I.T.’s admissions office stated, “We want the clout.” McKeever commented on her choice to accept the offer with, “You heard that right, it’s gonna be Dr. McKeever to you! Get wrecked,” before riding off into the sunset on horseback. We are unsure why she chose to respond for comment while on a horse, where she acquired the horse from, or to whom “get wrecked” is directed. Admittedly, it was an impressively well-groomed palomino. She did not respond for further comment.