Olde Reed is So Back: The Thesis Snake

As thesis deadlines slither ever closer, the minds of Reed seniors are naturally drifting towards the most dreaded of Reed traditions: the thesis snake. In the interest of preparing students more thoroughly for graduate school, Reed thesis orals emulate graduate school thesis defenses as closely as possible, which means that each student must fight and defeat a serpent, in addition to convincing their orals board that their caffeine-fueled ramblings are worthy of a degree. The thesis snake has been part of Reed's rigorous academic program from the college’s founding in 1908 up to the modern day.

Students have historically tried their best to predict the species of their thesis snake using various statistical models and methods of divination, but it is generally best to be prepared for any species, as the strengths and weaknesses of their opponent is intended to be a surprise. While thesis advisors have some amount of input on the selection of a student's snake, the final say goes to the current College Librarians, who spend the entire Renn Fayre weekend meditating in the library backrooms and consulting the ghosts of past librarians. The result of this communion is a list of all students and their assigned thesis snakes to be handed to the Institution Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC) for final approval and orals schedule preparation.

The serpent a student receives is thought to be somehow correlated with the topic of the thesis, but previous efforts to untangle the effects of topic, major, freshman dorm, astrological sign, and thesis quality on snake species have been ineffective. The most notable of these efforts was a thesis by Microwave McConnell '88, an ad-hoc Biology/Statistics major who collected data through interviews and department records on forty years of thesis snakes. They concluded that theses with major quality issues resulted in larger and more venomous snakes, but noted that there appeared to be other confounding effects that were extremely difficult to untangle. They did note, however, that Psychology majors seemed to have a lower rate of venomous snakes than would be expected based on other factors, and insinuated that this may have been a result of the animal care facility sneaking easier snakes into their home department's orals. 

The Quest reached out to extremely reputable sources around campus to learn more about the closely-guarded secrets of the thesis snake. When asked for comment, the Doyle Owl replied that snakes are delicious, and students should try swooping down and picking their thesis snakes up in their beaks. Additionally, Professor of Psychology Greg Guichard Jensen ‘03 was ambushed this Tuesday and questioned to provide general advice for thesising students. His response after some deliberation was that seniors “shouldn’t forget that a better document will result in you fighting a smaller snake,” corroborating McConnell’s research. On a more ominous note, he followed up by exclaiming that faculty “have the option of using a venomous snake,” which marked the end of the conversation as the interviewer got too scared to continue. When asked if the thesis snake was gay, an anonymous source said, "Yes, and you should bully the thesis snake about it." This reporter does note that the anonymous source was looking kinda fruity when they said this. Furthermore, a walking, talking tree who may or may not have been Aaron Ramirez's final form informed the Quest that they would like to remind students that a variety of non-lethal methods, such as capturing and holding the snake without being bitten for at least 30 seconds, are accepted by orals boards as "defeat" of the snake, thus killing or injuring it is not a graduation requirement. The Quest then received a call from Ramirez, who is currently on sabbatical in Costa Rica, stating, "That wasn't me, I'm doing sabbatical research." However, the Quest was not able to verify this statement and the tree was very convincing, so we have given said tree the benefit of the doubt and also tenure. Prior to 1969, killing the thesis snake was a graduation requirement, but after objections from concerned students and a petition from Greenboard to the registrar, the new rules allowing for non-lethal defeat were put in place.

Curious students may be wondering where the thesis snakes go when it's not orals week. The reptiles are kept in humane conditions in the psychology building’s animal colony, where Colton Lynn feeds them a consistent diet of rats and students who fail their junior qual. After their victory in getting the non-lethal defeat rules passed, Greenboard's hubris led them to organize protests advocating for free-range conditions for the thesis snakes in 1975. However, after several incidents in which underclassmen who had not yet attended the mandatory junior year seminars on basic snake wrangling were rushed to the HCC with snakebites, and one incident allegedly involving the Reed Research Reactor, the program was terminated. When asked to comment on the latter occurrence, Reactor Director Jerry Newhouse told the Quest, "Why would you even ask that? We've never had a thesis snake incident. Are you recording this?" 

During the COVID-19 pandemic, thesis defenses were frequently conducted via video conference. However, unlike many other Reed traditions, the thesis snake continued through the pandemic. As serpents cannot carry COVID-19, the college concluded that in the interest of maintaining Reed's reputation for academic rigor, the best solution would be to mail the animals to students' local exotic pet stores and hire snake wranglers to release them into the rooms where students were defending their theses virtually. Many class of 2020 graduates objected after the fact, claiming that they were never warned that the thesis snakes would be part of virtual orals. When asked for comment on the lack of communication regarding said serpents, Vice President for Student Life Karnell McConnell-Black told the Quest, "I really thought seniors would figure it out, since CUS was still hosting their snake-fighting workshops virtually. I hope that as a community we can move on from this, and I would like to let everybody know that most students injured during their 2020 thesis orals made full recoveries."  

All of this history may make the thesis snake sound very intimidating, but students should remember that a variety of resources are available to help them defeat their reptilian opponent. Seniors should stop by the CUS thesis defense preparation meetings throughout the semester: Manufacturing Antivenoms at 12:00 a.m. on February 30th, Dodging Cobras and Their Relatives at 13:00 p.m. on April 7th, and Wrestling Pythons at -5:00 a.m. on April 16th. Students are encouraged to reach out to CUS with any questions about the rules of the thesis snake fight, as well as with any suggestions for future thesis defense workshops. Finally, those with a severe phobia of snakes should reach out to the HCC to discuss finding appropriate therapists in Portland to conquer their fear before graduation—don't wait until it's too late! In severe cases, students may reach out to Disability and Accessibility Resources (DAR) to request an alternative thesis komodo dragon or small wildcat. Remember that while Reed's student health insurance covers any care you may need after your thesis orals, if you have waived Reed's coverage you must check with your external insurance company and ask if they cover thesis snake injuries.