The April Fool’s Day Guide to the Best Local Places to Take a Leak

Was Bridge Piss unsatisfying? Did it leave you wanting more? The following collection of locations suitable for your needs is by no means a checklist (though it could be), but merely presented for the consideration of the prankish reader. They are arranged by level of challenge/public indecency required to relieve oneself. 

Please note that, according to Oregon law (ORS 163.465), “A person commits the crime of public indecency if while in, or in view of, a public place the person performs: … An act of exposing the genitals of the person with the intent of arousing the sexual desire of the person or another person” ànd typically results in a Class A misdemeanor. On the other hand, according to Oregon Live, as of 2018, public urination cannot be prosecuted as either “offensive littering” or indecent exposure if the intent is not arousal. So. . . do with that information what you will. 

Portland’s Public Toilets: 

The Portland Loos are oval-esque stainless steel structures you might see dotted around the city. They are purposefully designed with anti-vandalism, cleanliness, crime deterrence, and safety in mind. Use https://portlandloo.com/loo-locator/ to find the nearest one to you!

The United Nations standards for long-term refugee camps indicate there should be at least one toilet for every 20 people. Portland is currently looking at one toilet for every 87 homeless residents. Hygiene For All (www.h4apdx.org) is a local nonprofit currently trying to fix this! See next week’s Social Justice Spotlight for more details. 

Vista House, Columbia Gorge:

The Vista House is, unsurprisingly, a ‘house’ with an outstanding vista located 223 meters above the Columbia River. It was designed by Edgar M. Lazarus (epic name) and completed in 1918. Initial cost was slated at ~$3,000, which eventually ballooned to $70,000. When the public got wind of this, it was beratingly labeled “The $100,000 Outhouse,” as it is technically little more than a public toilet. It is perhaps the most exquisitely designed and located public toilet in the U.S. 

Various Bridges (Tilikum, St. Johns, SW Vista Avenue):

Portland is known as the City of Bridges. For starters, the Tilikum Crossing is the most accessible for those looking to relive Bridge Piss. Not only is it the second-closest bridge to Reed, it’s also a pedestrian and transit-only bridge, which makes for a lovely walk to the other side of the river. 

The St. Johns Bridge is perhaps more fit for the thrill-seeking bridge pissers. Its roadway is approximately 65 meters (210 feet) above the Willamette, and with only a ~1.25 meter railing and the wind for your company, there’s a lovely view of North Portland. The semis roaring past a few feet away may be off-putting; I recommend walking it well past midnight, when the traffic is negligible. 

Finally, the SW Vista Avenue Bridge has a lovely view of the city, as the name suggests.  However, the bridge is above a roadway, hence I would advertise more caution in dropping fluid over the side. 

Fidelity National Title Building Fountain: 

Quite frankly, I have no idea what Fidelity National Title does, other than insurance. Unfortunately, I am unaware as to whether or not this particular company is deserving of having someone temporarily spoil the lovely fountain outside of their building on SW 5th and Salmon. 

There are a number of other fountains around the city, however, this is one of the only private ones, and it’s not like they’re using it for anything better. I’m sure the two leaping maidens and their side piece would be happy to have the company. Besides, Golden Gift Jewelry, located within the building, would have front row seats. Fitting, don’t you think?

City of Portland Reservoir No. 6:

Reservoir Number 6 is an open air reservoir that was once an integral part of the city’s drinking water. Unfortunately, in 2006, the spoilsports at the EPA took issue with having the city’s drinking water out in the open for any and all bacteria and humans to interact with. The city tried to fight the $200 million price tag which came with the construction of two new underground tanks, but ultimately lost. Reservoir No. Six was drained in 2015, and remained so until just last winter, after repairs to the structure made it structurally passable again. 

Oregon Live claims that Reservoir No. 6 makes for one of the best sunset viewing locations in Portland. An individual could feel their oneness with the Earth as the sun sets and Portland Heritage Tree #152, a 139-foot Giant Sequoia, watches over them. 

Mill Ends Park:

Fun Fact: Portland is home to the world’s smallest park. At 0.292 square meters, it’s part of an intersection at SW Naito Parkway and Taylor St. downtown. I shall recount the amusing tale of its founding from the Portland State University Oregon Encyclopedia: “Mill Ends Park was the creation of Dick Fagan, a columnist for the Oregon Journal, who… wrote about whatever he observed that caught his fancy” (sounds familiar). An intersection outside his office window was never completed, leaving a small empty patch of dirt, which soon became full of weeds and leprechauns. Fagan caught one of the buggers, and asked for a park for his wish (given by the leprechaun, as dictated by folklore). The leprechaun, one Patrick O’Toole, granted the wish, and made the small patch of dirt a park. Fagan wrote about this in his column, Mill End, and the city agreed with O’Toole’s declaration in 1976. Between then and now, the park was relocated twice due to road reconstruction, each time carefully delivered with bagpipe and royal ambassador fanfare. It now resides six inches from its original location. 

If you would like to pop a squat on top of this historic monument, the weeds might appreciate some watering. 

Ross Island Cove: 

Ross Island is located in the Willamette River, a 10 minute drive due west of Reed. Sellwood Riverfront Park is most likely the easiest legal put-in for a boat (or deranged swimmer). Once you’ve arrived at the island, you’ll note that most of it is missing. Mined since 1926, there is now a large shallow cove in the interior of the island which makes a tolerable (usually trash filled) nature area, perfect for a peaceful relieving of oneself (ignoring toxic post-mining chemicals).