Quest Editor Returns to Dust After Being Revealed as Golem

Quest editor Louis Chase ‘26 disintegrated into a pile of dust in the Quoffice on Wednesday, April 23, after a piece of paper bearing the Hebrew inscription “אמת” (truth) was removed from their mouth by Reed College President Audrey Bilger. The revelation that Chase was a golem, an anthropomorphic being composed of clay or mud from Jewish folklore, shocked observers, who believed that the piece of paper was merely a mocking reference to the motto of Chase’s parents’ alma mater, Brandeis University. However, not all Reed community members were surprised by the events. 

Bilger explained in a mass email to the Reed community that Chase was created out of mud at the beginning of the Fall 2022 semester to protect the Reed community from external threats, namely coming from its accrediting agency, the Northwest Commission on Colleges and Universities, which the College has long struggled to appease. After animating Chase with the inscribed piece of paper, Bilger commanded them to convince the NWCCU that the College was meeting its accreditation eligibility requirements, particularly of institutional capacity and institutional effectiveness. In order to pursue these objectives, the College claimed that Chase was a regular member of the class of 2026, when they had never actually existed prior to attending Reed College. Students found Chase’s tall tales about their pre-Reed past—such as the claims they had run an online stan account for Massachusetts Senator Ed Markey in 2020 as part of the “Markeyverse,” worked for the Pennsylvania Democratic Party, led the communications team of a Maryland Sunrise Movement hub, volunteered to do data analysis for a cosmic ray physics lab at the University of Maryland, and spent a year writing social media posts for IfNotNow—incredulous, but believed they were simply embellishing their resume like the innumerable Reedies who founded fake nonprofits to get into better schools but ultimately  got stuck here.

Chase successfully executed Bilger’s commands to save Reed’s accreditation and continued to participate in the Reed community without the truth of their existence being discovered. Bilger explained that the Board of Trustees had secretly voted to keep Chase animated indefinitely in order to serve as an enforcer of the College’s interests. However, Chase became too powerful, threatening the authority of the College’s administration with their anarchic presence. “When his drinking, and lusting, and his hunger for power became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,” Bilger explained. Upon realizing three semesters late that Chase had been elected to two terms as a Quest editor, Bilger led a mob of angry townsfolk to the Quoffice, where they found Chase blaring Daniel Kahn on the speaker and chasing a 40 oz bottle of Manischewitz with a six-month-expired PBR. In Chase’s incapacitated state, it was easy for Bilger to remove the piece of paper that had been animating them and scribble out the Hebrew letter aleph, changing the inscription to “מת” (dead), which caused Chase to crumble to dust. 

Chase’s inert remains will be stored in the Student Union Bong Loft until a time of great need for the Reed community, at which time they can be revived by a qualified Jewish mystic.