Quethics 3/20

My friend has a persistently negative outlook. Everything from small inconveniences to real living concerns is a point of discussion. If I try to bring up another topic, it can always be tied back to this person's problems and how horrible everything is. I do sympathize with them, and the issues in their life are worth serious thought and consideration, but sometimes I just want to be light-hearted or discuss something else. I don't think my suggestions for solving their problems are particularly helpful, either, so sometimes the conversation falters. How do I show this person that I care about them, and also request that we talk about something else?

- Bunny

Bunny, 

I apologize to hear about your friend and their negative outlook. Not only does that affect them, but also those around them. I’m even more concerned to hear that they don’t seem very open to receiving advice or solutions. Yes, venting can help you process your emotions, but if you don’t move forward, venting can turn into rumination and impede your ability to move on from adverse experiences. It seems that your friend falls into that camp and that you are being pulled in alongside them. 

I would do your best to address the issue with clear examples. It’s entirely possible that even though you make an effort to change the conversation, they’re simply not picking up what you’re putting down. The only way to know for sure is to tell them how you feel. If you’ve already done this, then you have a different issue on your hands. Ultimately, we are affected by the mindset of the people we are around. If we hang around people who constantly talk about how much they hate Reed, you’ll likely also start to have a distaste for Reed. If you hang around people who avoid doing their homework and slack off, you may find yourself slipping into those patterns. You may care about your friend immensely, but rethinking the terms of your friendship may be in order if they refuse to make a change. Leaving space for difficult things is different from letting them consume you. If I were you, I’d set a boundary. You don’t even have to tell them it’s specific to them: say that you’re making it a rule for yourself to start working on a positive mindset, which includes the conversations you have with your friends. 

Alternatively, you could always cut them off together and start telling everyone about what a bummer they are. Make sure to disinvite them from every party you hear about because you don’t need them around to bring the vibe down. Of course, I think that this would probably make their situation worse and make you feel pretty guilty, but to each their own. 

Best of luck,

The Quethicist