Hannukkah Items: Ranked
The holiday season is upon us! This also means that my annual pro-hanukkah tirade is beginning. Here is my objectively correct rating of every Hanukkah item I could think of:
Chanukiahs: 10/10 A necessity for the core of the Hanukkah celebration. A well made kosher chanukiah will last you a lifetime. I prefer the kind that has the shamash on the end instead of in the middle so I don’t burn my hand by the 8th night. Chanukiahs come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and can even be made at home with a few nuts, a slab of wood, and some hot glue.
Candles: 7/10 Another necessity for the core celebration of Hanukkah, however they can be quite finicky. The specific type of candles that most people use on Hanukkah are very small and thin, which leave them prone to breaking in the package or simply due to handling. In addition, the holders of the chanukiah are often too shallow to hold the candles properly, requiring you to melt the bottom of the candle so that the molten wax can help the rest of the candle adhere itself to the chanukiah. More trouble than it’s worth, in my opinion. Unfortunately, the chanukias that use oil, or normal sized candles are usually pretty expensive and quite a hassle, so I’m stuck with these crappy little sticks for another year.
Latkes: 6/10 Latkes are shredded potatoes, usually mixed with some flour and eggs, and then fried. Pretty much just hashbrowns, right? Wrong. They’re fried in oil, which makes them gross as hell. They are commonly served with applesauce or sour cream, but the amount of topping I have to put on them to make them taste even remotely edible is just too much.
Dreidels: 8/10 Dreidels, or a top in English, is a spinning toy with four flat sides and a rounded bottom. Each side has a hebrew letter, either ג ,ה ,נ ,ש which stand for a great miracle happened there (or a פּ for here if you get an Israeli dreidel). I’ve never seen any standardized rules, but the game goes as such: You place some bargaining chips in the middle (food, gelts, coins, etc.) and you start spinning the dreidel. If you land on ג you get to take everything in the pot. If you land on ה you take half of the pot. If you land on ש you take a piece from your own stash and place it back into the pot. If you land on נ you get nothing. Some people start each player off with a little in their own hand in case their first roll is a ש (or a פּ if you’re playing with an Israeli dreidel). I like playing dreidel, especially because my family owns quite a few. It’s to watch the unpredictability of the game and whether you play with food, money, or tokens, it’s fun to win.
Sufganiyot: 9/10 Sufganiyot are another traditional fried Hanukkah food. These are filled donuts that are fried in oil and then dusted with powdered sugar. Nearly every culture has a version of this; this is Judaism's. I have a penchant for sugary things, and sufganiyot would be an easy 10/10 if it wasn’t for the fact that society loves to put jelly and fruit in places where it doesn’t belong. I know that people often call sufganiyot jelly donuts in English, but the custard ones are just so much better. I make the same argument about hamentashen–why would you put fruit in a place where chocolate would just taste so much better? Anyway, whether you enjoy them with jelly or with custard, sufganiyot are a delicious way to celebrate the holiday and the winter season.
Gelts: 10/10 I cannot find a single thing wrong with gelts. Except maybe that they melt. Gelts are chocolate coins that are associated with Hanukkah. They can be found in the milk chocolate variety (the better one) and the dark chocolate variety, usually denoted by gold or silver wrapping. They come in different sizes and are often sold in packs of 6. Some prefer to use these as their bargaining chips when playing dreidel. Some more religious families give gelts as their only gifts, as the gift-giving tradition on Hanukkah is borrowed from Christmas.
Blue Christmas items: -100/10 One thing I see every year is items that were clearly created to be Christmas items that were just painted blue and rebranded as Hanukkah items. I’m talking blue santas, blue elves, blue wreaths, you name it. We have our own decorations and our own traditions. Whenever I see these I just know there were no Jews on the R&D team. If you want to get your Jewish friend some nice Hanukkah decorations, try white string lights, chanukiah window decals, and other things with chanukiahs, dreidels, and stars of david on them. Or, better yet, just ask, “Hey, would you like this thing?” Better to be safe than sorry.
This concludes my objectively correct review of every Hanukkah item I could think of.