Turkey Plague Affects Thursday Menu

Many Reedies forgo a traditional worship service on Sunday, instead choosing to nourish their souls on Thursdays between the hours of 11:30am and 1:30pm. During these hours, the sacred tradition of hot turkey sandwiches redeems every malnourished spirit it touches. But lo! Sunken faces and rumbling bellies announce a horrifying reality which itself desecrates the holy grave of Amanda Reed and the dirt that buries her. There is no more turkey to be had on hot turkey sandwich Thursdays, and we have yet another plague to blame: avian influenza.

“Avian Influenza (Ai) impacted all turkey suppliers during the spring and summer and cases are continuing to pop up in the fall. This has caused product allocations that are forecasted into 2023,” explained Michael Bucuvalas, Director of Dining Services at Reed College. All approved turkey suppliers are experiencing the same shortage issues, but Bucuvalas hopes to bring hot turkey sandwiches back by early November. For now, commons is serving hot chicken sandwiches instead.

A senior, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, shared the following story, “When I was a sophomore, a professor asked me to tell the freshmen in my class what I liked most about Reed. Without a moment of hesitation, I described the hot turkey Thursday lunch special… Being without this beacon of gustatory motivation has left me very unsettled, to say the least.”

The peak of the bird flu season is typically in February, though cases can occur outside of that window. The CDC formally recommends against helping birds blow their noses or otherwise coming into contact with bird snot. If you come across a sneezing turkey in mourning, your best bet is to walk the other direction. We here at the Quest have only one remaining question: why couldn’t it have been the geese?