The Signs As Excuses >>> "The Dog Ate My Homework"

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

I sent my brain through a rock tumbler and it came out perfectly smooth. And shiny!

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

I was embroiled in a battle from an ongoing war with one particularly bastardly goose.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

I was sweeping shattered glass into the one quadrant of my kitchen where I only wear wool socks.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

It's raining; it sours the mood.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)

I was organizing my pudding cups.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Lab reports make me break out.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

I had to kill an injured baby field mouse, and as I was mourning over his burning effigy, an ember flew up and scorched my eye socket.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

I was causing problems for attention.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

Someone (not -thing, mind you, -one) pissed on my laptop.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

It was Chittick orgy night.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

I was winning a war with one particularly bastardly goose.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

I was watching Wolf Blitzer announce the fall of fascism.

Astrologer’s Note: These are all entirely real reasons I’ve heard cited.