A Minecraft Movie’s Epic Bromance
Today I did some gardening and then went to go see A Minecraft Movie. I had heard many speak of this horrible but amazing pile of shit, so I knew to check it out. To no one’s surprise, this is an objectively bad film, but I had such a fun time watching it.
Trying to discuss the plot is worthless. If you’ve seen any blockbuster, you’ve seen this film. The shining star of this film is Jack Black as Steve. As a fan of Black’s absurd style of comedy, I was pleased that the first 15 minutes of this film felt like they put Black in a green room, filmed him, and edited it together. But a whole film of this would be boring. That’s where Jason Momoa comes in. His character on his own is boring, but when he meets Steve, there’s a connection. There's… a spark! I knew by the end of this movie that if the producers weren’t a bunch of pussies, they would be making out. Watching their romance play out was so insane. It was a classic enemies to lovers. Momoa is jealous of how effortlessly swagger Steve is, so then Momoa finds a way to gain power over him. Steve then becomes submissive to Momoa’s commands. After this, they find a way to work together and become friends… or more? That’s left up to the audience.
There are two major scenes pointing to their romance.The first of these scenes is the flying scene. This scene was pure insanity. This is going to sound like porn, but I can assure you this is how it played out: Steve jumps on Momoa and squeezes his ass, then climbs on top of him and pulls his hair. Then they 69. Then, they make a man sandwich. This just… wow. In a kids’ movie, too.
The second of these scenes is when Steve and his dog are reunited in song. When Steve is singing the song to his dog, Momoa looks at him longingly. Momoa clearly has a yearning in his eyes that you would see in the most desperate, doomed yaoi. But then, Steve chooses to be with Momoa and they form an epic rock band together. After that, I don’t think they’re going to stay together. I mean, look at what happened to John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Look at Fleetwood Mac. It’s all because they made a band. Steve and Momoa are gonna have to break up.
Beyond the bromance, this film has nothing. While I was excited to see Jennifer Coolidge fall in love with a villager, it just didn’t feel right. It was forced. It should’ve been a post-credits sequence. Additionally, any time Black or Momoa weren’t on screen, I was bored. The other actors in this film did not bring the right energy (or any energy at all), the CGI was hard to look at, and the dialogue was horrible. One day soon, I hope to see an edit of this film where it’s just Momoa and Black, but until then, I will stick with my one-star rating.
I really have nothing else to say. Nothing was really notable either way besides the watered down yaoi and MCR zombies. This is a crafting table. Go forth and make Jason Momoa x Jack Black edits to lesbian yearning songs, J-Pop, and “You Get Me” from the Talking Tom universe.
Don’t forget to follow me on letterboxd (@avianfruitss) and comment down below what edits you want to see of Jason Momoa and Jack Black!