Reverse Curse Ritual

If you’re under the iron fist of anything from O-Chem to French philosophy, put down the molecule set and the online translators and take a stand! While I can’t offer hot cocoa or goats to soothe your finals woes, I can offer you a deeper cure — an Olde Reed ritual to reverse the Lewis & Clark finals week curse. This Saturday, December 14 from 4:00pm-5:00pm in the SU, join me to reverse the curse and ensure protection and victory in our finals. 

In 2004, the finals curse began. Bitter after a surprise Furby-bombing from the iconic Reed Kollege Shit Kollektiv, a group of malicious Clarkies secretly set a curse on our finals week. The ensuing week was disastrous. Morale plummeted, star students went haywire in the stacks, and it even rained, putting the thesis-burning fire out into a sputtering smolder. Once Reedies caught wind of the curse, they banded together to reverse it, and the skies cleared — anecdotally anyway. 

Until COVID-19 hit, Reedies and Clarkies exchanged curses and reverses, and a relative balance ensued. But in spring 2020, plunged into chaos by the pandemic, Reedies couldn’t reverse the last curse! After a tumultuous year, its memory was lost to COVID… but the curse itself wasn’t. Ever since, Reed’s finals have been plagued with supernatural stress. 

Think back — have you ever had a pleasant finals week? Or an easy one? Or even a regular one? 

Look around — do you really think that to-do list is reasonable? 

The neverending assignments, the emotionally fraught group projects, the millionth faculty evaluation email reminder… they all have a source, and that source is our bitter rivals, the Clarkies. Their evil deeds have set us back for four years now, and a whole generation of Reedies have come and gone under their nefarious hex. 

But we can change this! Now, we can finally fight back and save our finals week! In just one short hour, we can recreate the ceremony and save our student body from the tyranny of the curse!