Three Senior Quest Editors Resign Following Pizza Scandal
After serving 13 semesters combined as editors of the Quest, copy/content editors Anie Kotha ‘25 and Madeleine Voth ‘25, and layout editor Chloe Hsy ‘25, have resigned from their positions…but the reason as to why might surprise you.
What seemingly began as a normal editing night quickly devolved into madness. It all started on the infamous Fizz, as every good story does. The Quest endured weeks of allegations from the student body about their “reckless misuse of Costco pizza privileges,” and turned into a full-blown campus controversy by the time Wednesday rolled around when it came to light that the entire budget was spent on Costco pizza.
The seniors, Anie, Chloe, and Madeleine huddled together, dreading what might come.
“We’re so done for! I knew it wouldn’t work,” Madeleine fearfully stuttered, holding a cigarette between her fingers, flicking ashes everywhere as she shook in fear.
“It’s going to be fine. Who would believe that it was us? We can just blame it on Louis and Piper.” Anie scoffed, trying to convince herself more than anyone else that she believed what she was saying.
Chloe nodded, “Yeah, we’re the seniors of the group. We barely have time to work on our thesis, let alone orchestrate a Costco pizza embezzlement scheme.”
The seniors nursed their delusions, subduing the weight of their actions, hoping that the underclassmen would come to their rescue. But as the clock struck 5:03pm… it became clear that they were on their own, only with their dignity to preserve them.
“IT’S OVER! THEY’RE COMING FOR US!” Madeleine wailed, eyes wild with panic.
“Calm down!,” Anie snapped back, “they’re literally never on time.” After only a few seconds to let Madeleine’s realization dawn on her, Anie conceded, “Oh, you’re right. LOL!”
After an anxiety-filled hour or so, as the Quoffice filled with smoke and despair, at 6:43pm, the door burst open, and the new editors, Izzy, Sokhna, and Vincent walked in on a sight that would surely haunt their nightmares forever. Twenty pizzas piled high with their greasy contents oozing out onto the ground, and the unmistakable smell of pepperoni filled the air.
“ Oh…..my…..god,” Sokhna breathed, her face in shock at the horror of the pure Biblical gluttony that one must possess to commit such a crime. The seniors immediately raised to their feet and began to defend their actions.
“It wasn’t our fault!” The seniors shrieked in unison.
Madeleine tried to regain her composure “Yes, yes… this was actually a strategic move on our parts. Since contributors have dwindled these last few weeks of the semester, we decided to boost contribution by getting ahead of the pizza game!”
Anie nodded along, “Exactly! It’s all a part of our master plan.”
“I’m here!” Izzy called out.
“…woah.” Sokhna stood with her jaw on the floor, with their shared mini fridge in tow.
The underclassmen were no longer buying it, the evidence was unfortunately too damning to brush off and ignore.
As the shock and confusion filled the room there was a sudden movement in the back.
“Got it!” Vincent said.
“Vincent, you’re in on this?!?!” Sokhna cried.
“Oh, god no. I asked for a single slice of cheese, and they told me to ‘dig through the stacks.’ Whatever that means. I found one–under two boxes of Supreme and meat lovers… and that was my breaking point.” Tension filled the room, compounded when contributors began turning in articles written on grease-stained pizza boxes.
“The words were smeared in marinara sauce!” exclaimed Izzy, who bravely tried to secure the draft. As the room descended into chaos, the seniors huddled together, only to have their eyes begin to glow with a sinister energy.
“You fools,” they hissed back.“You have no idea what you’ve unleashed.”
The underclassmen watched in horror as the pizza boxes began to tremble and bubble as if they had a life of their own. The seniors threw their heads and cackled with an air of glory.
“The Costco pizza will rise again!” They shrieked, only to haunt the Quoffice with their voice some more.
As the new editors huddled together, their hearts pounding with terror, the pizza boxes burst open, bringing forth a horde of sentient, meat-covered monstrosities. The seniors, their faces twisting, commanded the pizza demons to attack.
“There is no escape!” The new editors declared in horror.
“Fear not! Piper and Louis are here to save the day!” The seniors tried to quell the new editors' fears, to no avail.
Piper and Louis burst into the room, standing tall, their eyes blazing with pizza hate. They clutched spatulas, pizza cutters, and even a giant fork.
Piper bravely jumped into the Quoffice head first, armed with a spatula and the spirit of Plato, who was a wrestler as well as a philosopher, to strengthen her, “You’ve gone too far this time!” Anie, Chloe, and Madeleine watched in horror as their pizza monstrosities were killed by the unstoppable duo. Realizing their plan was failing, they turned to flee once and for all.
“Not so fast, you pizza-loving fiends!” Louis yelled, stopping them in their paths.
Cornered and outnumbered by the other five editors, the seniors had no choice but to surrender. Piper and Louis threw them out of the Quoffice.
As the new editors watched in awe. Piper and Louis led the senior editors to their van. “It’s time to hit the road, ladies,” Piper announced.
“You haven’t seen the last of us!” Anie cried as the head quopie started the car. The car revved to action and before they knew it the seniors drove out of their lives.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” Piper responded.
“Welcome to the team! You guys have a lot of cleaning to do,” Louis exclaimed, and turned the new editors to cleaning the Quest room. As they surveyed the aftermath, they knew one thing for certain– the Quest would never be the same again.
In all seriousness, the three of us are very sad to leave the Quest, and will cherish our time here forever. We are all so proud to say that we have been part of the Quest team, and hope that we have made a lasting impact on the Reed community through our contributions to the Quest. We are excited to see what the future of the Quest entails!