Quethics 3/27

My boyfriend went abroad last semester and we ended up growing apart a little bit since the long distance was hard. When he was gone, I started hanging out with his friend group (specifically his best friend) a lot, but since he came back this semester, things have felt different. Last weekend at Freak House, his best friend and I almost kissed and now I don't know what to do. I still love my boyfriend, but I'm having all these new feelings and I'm not sure what to do.

Conflicted Cricket

Dear Conflicted Cricket,

That’s a very difficult position to be in. Long distance is difficult, even for the strongest of couples. You grew closer to one of his friends, and it seems that it culminated in a moment where you were in a closer position with his best friend than you expected. While you did not cheat, personally, I think the emotional aspect can’t be ignored. While the idea of emotional infidelity looks different for every couple, it’s clear that something was signaled between you and the best friend that shifted the “vibe” into something that surpasses the limits of friendship.

The best move is to have a conversation with your boyfriend before you even consider talking about what happened between you and his best friend. Your relationship implies a partnership, and that means issues of this matter should be discussed with him first and foremost. You owe him this at least, no matter the outcome. You can make clear that you love him, but also you should be honest about allof your feelings, no matter how hard they may be to swallow for you or him. You should give him the opportunity to have all the information, because he may not be comfortable moving forward with the relationship. He may even feel the same about the strain long distance took on your relationship, but not have the courage to tell you (not to make you more anxious about the relationship). 

Once you have that conversation and decide how to move forward, I would have a conversation with his best friend. Whether or not your boyfriend is present for the conversation is up to you and him, but he also deserves to know what page you are on. Even though he should know it’s wrong to go after his best friend’s partner, he still has feelings and should be considered. Be honest with him about how you feel and what is going on. If you decide that you want to pursue that relationship, with your would-be ex-boyfriend in the know, I would encourage you to take a break from the relationship for a minute anyway while you process the breakup. 

Of course, you could disregard all this advice and you could always kiss your boyfriend’s best friend right in front of him. But, I think that would hurt him more than is necessary in all this. Take a deep breath and give yourself grace. Things happen, things get messy, but this will all pass! 

Wishing you luck,

The Quethicist 

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