Animals That I'm Reasonably Confident I Could Defeat in Hand-to-hand Combat

By Milo Gardner-Stephens

Coyote

Despite being relatively small – about the size of medium-sized dogs – coyotes are not to be underestimated. You don't get to be such a ubiquitous species without having some self-defense skills. That said, I think if I and an average coyote had to face off Thunderdome style I would win. I would certainly get fucked up in the process, and probably lose a decent amount of blood. But there are instances of people killing coyotes with their bare hands: a father in New Hampshire strangled a coyote after it attacked his son, and a hiker in Rhode Island did the same when he was attacked.

Goose

Despite their viciousness and no-fucks-given attitude, I guarantee you I could beat a goose in a fight. They have tiny little heads so it would probably be easy to give them head trauma. Plus they have hollow bones so they're not exactly the sturdiest animals. Of course, their biggest weakness is probably their long, long neck. In short, I might get pecked a few times, but as long as I didn't let them get my eyes I would have this fight in the bag.

Worm

I would just step on it

Moby

The electronic musician Richard Melville Hall (stage name Moby) is 5'7”, 58 years old, and a vegan. I'm not exactly James Bond, but I wrestled in high school and I did a semester of kickboxing (I wasn't great but I had a lot of fun). I think I could take him.