Quethics: Insider Info

A few days ago I was on Grindr and I saw my acquaintance's boyfriend on it. I'm not close to either of them but last I thought they were monogamous. Would it be weird if I said something?

- Insider Info

Insider Info,

I can see why this would be a difficult position to be in. Firstly, you don’t have enough information to decide whether or not this constitutes cheating. Secondly, you don’t have a close connection to either of them, making it difficult to ask them outright if they’re in an open relationship. 

If I were you, I’d ask around to see if they’re still together. You can always ask people who know them, “Hey, are Jamie and Joe dating?” It’s a neutral question that most people wouldn’t assume any subtext from. It’s possible they broke up recently and you hadn’t heard. If you’re sure they’re together, this question could also lead to more information about their relationship. If they’re ENM or poly, then there may be no issue and that may be mentioned. 

If your question is a dead end or inconclusive, though it’s awkward, I think it is best that you talk to them directly. They deserve to know if their partner is on Grindr, and you can’t rely on someone else to have the courage to tell them. I’ve been in a similar position before, as I saw my friend’s girlfriend on Tinder a month after they started dating. It turned out that her girlfriend deleted the app and not her account. While it was only a misunderstanding, it built trust between me and my friend because she knew I was looking out for her. Of course, you could always post a screenshot in the MCs or your Insta story and let that run its course. But, I think the MC editor wouldn’t run that (isn’t it against the rules?), and publicly putting someone on blast like that wouldn’t make you look too great. Talking to them is the easiest, most effective way to get to the bottom of the situation. Don’t text them. Next time you see them in Commons, ask them if you can chat briefly. Try to go somewhere relatively private, like by the dish return, to make it harder for someone to eavesdrop. Give them the information straight and let them come to their own conclusions. If they seem upset, offer them your support. If they’re unsurprised and already know, I bet they’ll still be grateful that you cared enough about them to say something. 

Best of luck,

The Quethicist