A Gorb-ituary

By Cate Belzer

With profound sadness, we announce the passing of our dearly beloved Gorb. A cherished and significant figure in our community, she was tragically taken from us on August 28th, 2023. Although her conception and the precise moment she took her first moldy breath is still unknown, some time during the 2022-2023 school year she appeared to the inhabitants of the Trillium dorm. 

With humble beginnings as a blob of mold that was somehow created in a bottle of apple juice, she was violently murdered by an unsuspecting freshman who poured her down the drain. The criminal currently remains anonymous, but apparently left an apology note and the remnants of a corpse. Gorb lived a full life and served as a comforting and nostalgic figure to those who created her during their formative freshman year. 

In lieu of flowers or a formal funeral service, we kindly ask that you take a moment to reflect on the significance of proper hygiene and food safety in the kitchen. Furthermore, we hope this serves as a reminder that the start of a new school year brings change: as one of the mourners poetically said, “I cherish those memories with Gorb. However, now it’s time to embrace stepping into a new chapter.” May Gorb rest in peace.