Horoscopes: The Signs as Out-of-Context Quotes from SB President Pax Lloyd-Burchett III

Aries

“I’ve never not wanted to.”

Taurus

“See I feel like I could seduce most people, it’s just a matter of putting in the energy.”

Gemini

“Everyone’s like ‘You’re fine’ and I’m like ‘No, I’m on fire.’”

Cancer

*spinning kiddie scissors* “I am my own ghost.”

Leo

“I am a vessel for the Funk.”

Virgo

“In these trying times, at least I got a phat ass.”

Libra

“I’ve got democracy cookin’ in my womb.”

Scorpio

“I just like, meat noise, ya know?”

Sagittarius

“Now I am become death. I don’t know what colors are.”

Capricorn

“I don’t have emotions, I have opinions.”