How to Become a Reed Legend in 13 Easy Steps

Amongst the names and sentiments that have been written throughout the years in the sign-out book at the Reed College ski cabin, this list is between the pages. It dates back to 1979, nearly 50 years ago, and details instructions on how to become a “Reed Legend.” 

So without further ado, below are the steps to begin your legendary journey:

  1. Buy a spare brain — you’ll need it.
  2. Indulge in massive quantities of marijuana, LSD, MDA, speed, cocaine, opium, phenyl barbs, hash, mushrooms, and anything else that looks like it’s illegal and smells like gasoline.
  3. Sleep with as many professors as truly possible.
  4. Sleep with as many students as truly possible.
  5. Own a room full of beer kegs.
  6. Flunk out three years in a row.
  7. Spend all your time with stray dogs.
  8. Involuntarily defecate while nude in Commons.
  9. Bribe Paul Bragdon to act like a rooster.
  10. Burn the remaining third of Portland down.
  11. Flirt with Christians.
  12. Fast every third week.
  13. Grow a beard shaped like a question mark.

After completing all 13 steps, ask the entire freshman class to bow down and worship you. Kill anybody that refuses.

By Anie Kotha, Cass Biles, and Madeleine Voth

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