Marketplace Drink Tier List

The Reed Marketplace is a highly competitive establishment for drinks. With one of the most diverse drink selections in the country, the meta is always changing, with new drinks arriving and replacing old ones constantly. What makes a good drink is its ability to monopolize a niche. For example, water is such a successful drink because it managed to single-handedly monopolize the “quench thirst” niche, while Coke monopolizes the “mixer” niche.

That being said, let’s get into the tier list. 

On F tier we have the newly introduced Bubble matcha tea. With a whooping 43g of added sugar and a bright neon green label, it’s closer to a Monster Energy drink than a cute bubble tea. On top of that, the milk content limits its consumers to those who aren’t vegan or lactose intolerant. Also on F tier we have the You Gut This probiotic water, which will never be a popular drink due to being the most expensive drink in the meta with an insane $10 price. This makes other probiotic drinks, which also taste much better, more convenient. Lastly on F tier we have the Pop and Bottle lattes, which I don’t understand who drinks since there are so many better coffee alternatives that don’t taste like chalk. 

On E Tier we have the Pobble bubble tea, which falls short on the list due to its poor design that makes it extremely difficult to eat the bubbles. Why would you design a bubble tea into a can? No one wants to drink tea and then tongue the can to get the bubbles out. Two newly introduced drinks—the Evy and Joy milk tea—also fall into E tier simply because they don’t taste good. Evy tried to take over the sweet tea niche but failed miserably, and Joy tastes like whole milk. Finally on E tier we have the Simply lemonade and orange juice, which is the wolf dressed as a sheep of healthy drinks. It tastes good, but it has so much sugar that you’d be better off with a Pressed Juice if health is what you’re going for. And if you’re not going for a healthy drink, why would you pick this one? 

On D tier we start off with the apple juices, which I simply don’t like. If I’m craving apples, I’d just have the concerningly large red apples they have next to the drinks. Do you have the slightest runny nose? Are you throwing up blood and have a 103o fever? Well the Vive shots heal it all. Yes, it will feel like your throat is on fire, but it’s part of the process! We all know turmeric and ginger do what four covid vaccines could never. Next on the list we have the old fashioned Coke. Portland is way too cold to crave this drink, and because the Yerba Mate and Cold Brew have taken over the “I need caffeine to crank out this paper” niche, Coke has become obsolete in the meta, except when used as a mixer. Lastly, we have the Arizona teas, which are a classic but are falling behind because of better tasting drinks. Sencha Shots try to occupy the “I need energy now I don’t care about the flavor” niche, but it’s tea, who are we kidding. If power is what you’re going for, a redbull or cold brew will work much better. 

Moving on to C tier we have the infamous Mamma Chia. The texture will either make you love it or hate it. It fills both the “constipation” and the “health” niche, but its texture makes it too controversial to rank it any higher. The San Pellegrino is great in flavor and price, but I strongly dislike carbonated water so I can’t rank it any higher than C tier. Why the bottled Seven tea was replaced for the canned version of it is one of the great mysteries of Reed, but what isn’t a mystery is that it’s not as good anymore, so I have to place it on C tier. It’s still pretty good, but not nearly as good as its bottled version, which is the first drink on B tier. Also on C tier we have the newly introduced Swoon lemonade, which not only has 0g of sugar, it’s also relatively good in flavor. But not good enough to be placed higher than C tier.

The famous Yerba Mate has the opposite problem than the Seven tea. The bottled version just tastes worse than the canned version, so I have to place this version on B tier. Mortal Kombucha is proving to be a huge success, but only a particular group of people can stand the flavor of Kombucha, so I can’t place it any higher than B tier. Next up we have the Crisp aloe vera drinks. These drinks are refreshing, tasty, and chewy, however, they have a weird aftertaste and are also pretending to be healthy even though they have double the amount of added sugars than a Yerba Mate. 

A tier is only for the highly demanded and competitive drinks. They specialize in a particular niche and don’t try to be anything else. The Pressed Juices occupy the health niche while also managing to taste amazing. They don’t need any monk fruit or flashy labels to attract people. They were so popular that they actually drained a lot of people’s board points, because when you’re paying with monopoly money you tend to not realize they’re almost $6, which is why they’re not in S tier. Next up we have Ito En’s unsweetened tea. This drink is very refreshing and one of the only drinks in the Marketplace that isn’t aggressively sweet. Personally I’d rather drink water but I see the appeal. Next up we have the Yuzus, which are one of the best carbonated drinks in the marketplace. Their peach flavor in particular is quite extraordinary. In fact, it’s so popular it’s one of the first drinks to run out. The cold brews are great morning drinks and are overall well rounded. Not much else to say about them I guess. 

And now… we move on to the best drinks. Those who taste the best, serve a purpose in our lives, and to put it simply, are unique. The first apex drink is the Victorian rose lemonade. This lemonade has a floral, perfectly sweet taste. Its carbonation is perfect for a post lab snack when life feels meaningless and you feel absolutely numb and need something to wake you up. Most people can relate with this statement, which is unfortunately why it’s rare nowadays to see this drink. Do you feel angsty and neurotic? Do you also drink Yerba Mate? I have no proof whether this is causation or correlation, but this drink definitely does something to you. It tastes amazing, it makes you feel amazing, and it’s fashionable. You couldn’t ask for anything more, which is why the canned Yerba Mate is the most popular drink on campus competing only with water and milk. 

S Tier:

Victorian rose lemonade, Yerba Mate (canned)

A Tier:

Pressed Juice, Crisp Aloe, Yuzu, Cold Brews, Ito En’s unsweetened tea

B Tier:

Yerba Mate (bottled), Seven (bottled), Mortal Kombucha, Crisp Aloe 

C Tier:

Mamma Chia, San Pellegrino, Seven (canned), Swoon

D Tier:

Apple Juice, Arizona, Sencha Shot, Coke, Vive shots

E Tier:

Pobble, evy, Simply Lemonade, Joy milk tea

F Tier:

Bubble matcha tea, You Gut This, Pop and Bottle

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7 months ago

Mortal Kombucha here. A “B”! We’ll take it. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥🫡

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