Folksy outlaws. Transgressive Punks. Eclectic satanists. Words fail to capture the composition of one of the most interesting bands at Reed College in decades. Its members claim to have materialized from the steam of an overheated spigot in the Woodbridge boiler room; you, dear reader, are unlikely to challenge this assertion. Intrepid and curious, Shlong Weaner would tear down the music industry if only because it was something to do.
The origin story goes as follows: one day, the bandmates found a lone journal entry on the sidewalk, ripped from its spiral bindings. It spoke of antimatter, abducted teenagers, and the author’s experience in Vietnam; in other words, the journal entry represented perfect lyrical content. An unholy jam session that began on October 31, 2020 yielded their eponymous four-track EP in the wee hours of November 1. The sound of the album was inspired by a “swirling nebula of spiritual, ghoulish, drug-induced [madness] born from the demons.” This can be felt quite clearly on the final track, “cover of a bob dylan song,” which is a nine-minute reimagining of “Like a Rolling Stone” with just enough reverb to make your eyes cross.
There are currently three members of Shlong Weaner: Chedda Cheeze, Slutterfly, and Josh. Each member takes turns in different roles, strumming one day and playing drums the next. In previous iterations of the band, two former members made significant contributions to the band’s sound. Cray, as in crayon, acted as an ethereal beatmaker and a schlong-dream manifester. Lounge Act Jam brought the fire after first showing up uninvited to a practice session before eventually joining. Slutterfly credited Lounge Act Jam as the group’s de facto GG Allin. At present, both Cray and Lounge Act Jam are currently away on international business.
Shlong Weaner hit their stride on the second album. Slutterfly explained: “The goal was to take the band as least seriously as possible, take drugs and make noise, give noise titles, and put it out…We decided to do it twice, then three [times], until suddenly we had nine albums out.” The band prides themselves on time efficiency. Though some individual tracks can take an entire day to mix, most songs are mixed during the same session they were recorded and released before everybody goes home.
Shlong Weaner doesn’t stick with one sound long enough to let it become them. Never afraid to experiment, a single release can feature EDM club bangers, angry garage rock, and covers of patriotic classics complete with “lots of gun noises to match the American mood.” (Note: the band is on the record as pro-democracy). Inspirations such as Alice in Chains, Wean, and Rachmaninoff can simultaneously be heard on “the Piss song;” if there was a single track that could capture the variety of Shlong Weaner, this is it. Other tracks, like “SOME FRUIT, DAIRY, PROTEIN & VEGETABLE MIXED TOGE,” are mellow jams akin to metallic jazz. One of my favorite tracks, “Egg Based Ted Cruz Condiment,” paints a detailed, transgressive picture of condiment puns and diarrheated flower beds.
Between the incoherent lyrics and filter-induced psychopathy, Shlong Weaner is having fun. The band members take solace in the insanity of their tracks and are unafraid to take their music to places that other bands dare not go. Evidence of their self-enjoyment is found in their up-to-date private lore dictionary, an exceptionally long document detailing private jokes and band-specific terminology. Examples entries include “Grab Ballz: An artwork of vandalism in which the male genitalia is spray painted onto a door with one of the testicles being located on the doorknob” and “Proconantiantiproantiessentialism: In reference to the concept of essentialism, that ideas have some sort of essence or form. This new concept was coined by the students of Morgan Luker’s MUS150 course, and after adding and subtracting is actually just essentialism.”
As for future projects, there is currently an unnamed project which aims to put a song to every state in the country. What started as a riff by Josh about Nevada evolved into an ambitious task, but progress is steady. 25 songs have already been written, though the group isn’t sure if they will split the release into regions or do it all at once.
From humble beginnings in the boiler room, the group now has their own “Shlong Office” complete with a poster of Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight” and walls insulated with bottles of urine. Shlong Weaner is currently looking for jammers who can transport themselves thirty minutes away from Reed to the office with a particular interest in drummers and vocalists. They can be reached at email@example.com for business or jam-related inquiries. More casual fans can find behind-the-scenes details and the promotion of positivity and joy on their instagram page @shlongweanerreal. Finally, all links for streaming or purchasing their music can be found at https://linktr.ee/shlongweaner. To the fans, Shlong Weaner has just one thing to say: “Keep it real.”
You misspelled WEEN. No further notes.
GG Allin is God.