Chemistry isn’t real, and I’m here to tell you why.
As a bio major (cause why chem), I’m here to educate you all on one of the most magical subjects in the world, Organic Chemistry. Many of us have embarked on the journey that is “chemistry” this year. As we graduate from making bubbles to refluxing, there’s a few things I tend to question every week. How? Why? Is my pipette magic? Liquid -> Solid -> Crystal. Clearly there’s only one answer. Magic.
Think about it, in this week’s lab we learned about different NMR multiplets. Some of my favorite being “the doublet of doublet of doublet of doublets” but also the equally as exciting “triplet of doublet of doublets.” This activity was both fascinating and completely fake. Why are they naming them these things? Clearly only to persuade us into believing them.
Not only did we create diagrams, we created magical potions. In the last lab we created crystals. CRYSTALS, I tell you! Straight out of thin air. One minute it was liquid/solid and then BAM! Crystals. The week before we just created a smell. Out of nowhere. A SMELL. One minute the smell of acetone everywhere. Then BAM, banana EVERYWHERE. The smell followed and spread across campus like the plague. Ochem students question their lives and beliefs everyday.
Think about our dress code, even. Personally, I think I look pretty hot in my lab clothes. I think we all do. I don’t have any questions about it. But, sometimes, your girl’s just gotta wear something cute. While I do look cute, I can’t exactly imagine myself going out and about in a lab coat. Safety week told us that if you get something on you, it’s OVER, you gotta run to the nearest safety shower. But imagine having an emergency in ugly clothes. That would be so much more embarrassing. (Tune in next week when I teach you how to make your lab coats extra cute with acid)
Now don’t even get me started on the lectures. The whole chemistry department is just magic. Every week we have our wonderful Ochem professors appear and vanish into darkness. They come to teach us and disappear. We are all yet to confirm how and why this is happening. They appear when we need them and disappear after, as if they were fairies being called for assistance. While in person they seem completely unquestionably real, the minute they leave the classrooms they have disappeared behind the magic wall. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, they continue to both be a part of and break the 4th wall. (Gonzalo/Phan if you need us to break you out blink twice).
Now let’s talk about topics. We’ve all been there, we’ve all seen it, Acid – Base is one of the most fundamental and recurring topics in chemistry. Everything happens and occurs because of acid – base. But like, let’s be honest, why would acid wanna be with a base? I mean if you’re an acid you’re so hot you burn people. Who wouldn’t want that? Personally if I was acidic I would want to be acidic (lol). Why be basic when you can be toxic. All I’m saying is that if someone was toxic why would they want to be with someone basic. It’s just real science, you know?
Will we ever learn the true meaning behind Ochem? Probably not. But you know what, that’s okay, because ochem doesn’t actually exist. It’s all just magic and a concept that is brought to us by fairies that teach us. We will forever go to the lab and use magic pipettes that just make things happen. But Chem 202 is yet to happen and will hopefully brings us more mysteries and a way to the magic fourth wall.
But on the bright side, we were given a molecule set. You guys, this is how we know that it’s all fake. Molecules (which aren’t supposed to be visible) are visible. I mean what, how do I even begin to process how these tiny little molecules are suddenly bigger than my hand. Are we supposed to just believe it? This is where the magic comes in. Clearly Ochem is just covering up for the fact that everything science is really just magic. The only way to fix it is by making an excuse and telling us that this is how molecules look and this is how they connect. I think it’s safe to say that we are all buying into the facade that is chemistry. We need to ground ourselves and make it known that magic is the answer to everything.
Until next time, your Biochem student (Yes, I lied about being a bio major).