Who is The Wolfman?

For the past six months, the mysterious Wolfman has terrorized SB Info’s Missed Connections. Ranging from passionate confessions of choking desires to advertisements of AhwooChem, his organic chemistry study group, The Wolfman’s posts have been deemed by one reader as “funny as shit but also uncomfortable.” I will confess upfront that I don’t know, nor do I want to find out, The Wolfman’s true identity, but nonetheless this article will explore the history of Reed’s latest sex idol.

The Wolfman first appeared in the October 8th 2021 Missed Connections in a remarkably long and psychedelic appeal to a classmate with a particularly desirable neck. Though likely intended as a one-off post, this introduction established themes that remain consistent throughout The Wolfman’s lore. Most notably, he expressed his long-lasting affinity for choking. Confessing to the murder-by-strangulation of multiple exes, this man-beast appears to possess a violent criminal background. However, The Wolfman offers redemption in a later comment by reassuring us of his commitment to consensual kink-play, writing, “Please: don’t feel threatened / I just want: a good, consensual / Quick: choking session.” Whether this has yet occurred is unclear, though to my knowledge no strangle-victims were found on Canyon Day this last weekend. Notably, The Wolfman is gaining a following, with one student commenting, “I: would let the wolfman choke me.”

Only adding to his sexual appeal, The Wolfman confessed to possessing a sizeable member. In response to a request for an eight-inch penis on campus, he wrote, “I do have an 8 inch dick / It just happens: to be fuzzy.” As of writing this, no one has responded to or expressed interest in his fuzzy phallus. Perhaps size does not matter in the Reed community, but that is a question for future reporting.

Despite his murderous habits and deperate pleas for sex, The Wolfman has a generous side. All struggling organic chemistry students should be made aware of AhwooChem, his wolfpack’s tutoring service. He speaks highly of them, writing, “They: have integrity / And: are great tutors with flexible office hours.” Sadly, The Wolfman reports a lack of interest among the student body. In an appeal for more business, he lamented, “Sorry: I keep bringing that up / They: are really trying to get this business off the ground.” Despite his advertisements, little is known about AhwooChem’s location or hours. However, responses in Missed Connections do express unanimous approval of their name.

While living with a wolfpack in a hidden Canyon den may seem isolating, The Wolfman did express both knowledge and opinions on human popular culture. Notably, his affinity for Blake Lively appears to transcend his desire for necks. On the reboot of Gossip Girl, he writes, “I just: really miss the charisma of Blake Lively.” Further, he appears to be engaged in human music as well, rapping in his latest post. Though maybe lacking creativity in his rhyming (ending four lines in a row with wolf), at least he demonstrates pride for his pack. Personally, I would appreciate his appearance in Canyon Cafe’s upcoming Open Mic.

Should we fear The Wolfman? The evidence suggests the contrary. His choking habits appear to be consensual, with the exception of the murder of his exes. For those looking for a good choke-session and who appreciate large phalluses, he seems like your guy! I would recommend refraining from a relationship, though, and from calling attention to his fur down there. In terms of initiating contact, walking through the canyon loudly discussing organic chemistry or Blake Lively would likely be your best option. If any reader successfully initiates contact, I’m sure that many struggling organic chemistry students would appreciate an introduction, not only for help with chemistry, but for his eight inch penis as well.

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