Libra: September 23–October 23
Read Middlemarch by George Eliot.
Scorpio: October 24–November 21
Stand out in the rain until your fingers start to prune.
Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
Go to Salt & Straw with your friends.
Capricorn: December 22–January 19
Walk to Council Crest in flip flops then roll down the hill all the way to the Willamette.
Aquarius: January 20–February 18
Go for a hike in Forest Park.
Pisces: February 19–March 20
Thesis. Why thesis you ask? Because I am a Pisces and I am writing these darn horoscopes instead of working on my thesis aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Aries: March 21–April 19
Carve pumpkins with your friends.
Taurus: April 20–May 20
Put bike fenders on to prepare for Portland’s rain.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
Drive East on 26, make it to Burns when your car breaks down, call your ex on the pay phone outside the Chevron on Crane Blvd. She sighs and says, “You can’t keep doing this,” and hangs up. As you put the phone down, a man who has plowed wheat fields for the last 40 years watches you sob in your e-femboy outfit.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
Go on the Gray Fund trip.
Leo: July 23–August 22
Become untethered and free to traverse the universe, meeting all kinds of life, forms, and wordless objects. You meet the Σi↟ghᐗξ-ians. They take you in. They teach you how to move between universes. You forgot about the ideas of time and space. The only thing that is left is the concept of qYδj3w.
Virgo: August 23–September 22
Bake a pie and cook for your roommate 🙂