Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
I sent my brain through a rock tumbler and it came out perfectly smooth. And shiny!
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
I was embroiled in a battle from an ongoing war with one particularly bastardly goose.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
I was sweeping shattered glass into the one quadrant of my kitchen where I only wear wool socks.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
It’s raining; it sours the mood.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
I was organizing my pudding cups.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Lab reports make me break out.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
I had to kill an injured baby field mouse, and as I was mourning over his burning effigy, an ember flew up and scorched my eye socket.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
I was causing problems for attention.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Someone (not -thing, mind you, -one) pissed on my laptop.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
It was Chittick orgy night.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I was winning a war with one particularly bastardly goose.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
I was watching Wolf Blitzer announce the fall of fascism.
Astrologer’s Note: These are all entirely real reasons I’ve heard cited.
