Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You can slap my ass online, it ain’t no thang.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
I love Johnny Cash’s cover of Fergalicious.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
What am I supposed to do? Not make death threats? Hath hell indeed frozen over?
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Truly, I am of mythical proportions.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Where the FUCK is Wyoming?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t fuck around with camels! I need an answer!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Granted, I haven’t been outside in three days, but I am at least a top.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s curvy, it’s fruity… Hey, same!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Who needs ambition when I am bitchin’?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
I want to be hot for comedic effect.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Not to be queerbaited by Wikipedia, but…
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who finds things ugly. The evidence is overwhelming.