Horrorscopes: Do you survive the horror flick?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Illustration by Mychal Miller

Illustration by Mychal Miller

Barely. Having left to find Pisces who wandered off into the woods before the gore started, you miss most of the action. We’ve all but forgotten about you until you drop down from a tree onto the murderer in an 11th-hour surprise attack that leaves you wounded, but not fatally. They wheel you out on a stretcher, soaked in blood and victory.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Absolutely not. You suggested this whole trip to the isolated cabin in the first place, and karma got its kiss for you. You’re the one making the Ouija board spell “b00bs” and eventually trip and fall off the roof running from the murderer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

No, but you die in a last ditch self-sacrifice defending the bunch with a bloody t-shirt wrapped around your forehead and are remembered as a warrior-poet.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Yes. You are tripping to the stars the whole time and pop out of the woods cheerily unharmed in the morning after the cops arrive.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

No! You brought the Ouija board, making it fitting when one of your friends suspects you to be the killer and bludgeon you with it. Pisces was not the imposter, just unlucky and a little annoying.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Nah. You keep procuring weapons from increasingly unlikely locations with which you do manage to fend the killer off for a while, but you ultimately lock yourself and Taurus in the basement with the killer.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Nuh uh. You, being in possession of the rare ounce of good sense, will find the only intelligent hiding place but end up outed by Gemini & Leo. Tough luck, my friend, but what do you expect with the company you keep?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

God no. You and Leo sneak off to have sex in the garage chock-full of chainsaws and it goes exactly as you’d expect. You do have the most show-stoppingly dramatic scream in the movie though, if it’s any comfort.

Illustration by Mychal Miller

Illustration by Mychal Miller

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Yes! You are the least hot and thus the last to die.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

No! You die trying to impress and defend Gemini and end up falling onto the chainsaw you very clearly did not know how to wield.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

No, but you definitely have the highest body count by the end of the movie. Like, way too high. Wait, were there even that many characters in the film?

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Nope. You’re the one who, cornered in a shower, offers a tearful “You don’t have to do this.” The murderer stops to roll their eyes before slaughtering you.

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