Happy Scorpio Season darlin’ dearests; your time is upon us!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Wearing cobweb earrings to a COVID test and the test administrator exclaiming, “Ooh, spooky!” as they shove a swab deep into your sinuses.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Missed connections callouts about an RBG tattoo within three days of her death.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Waking up to a lightning storm and thinking, “Aw rats, again?”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

“Catch-22. The catch is that the world is ending before we’re 22.”

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Realizing for the sixth time that a scene in a pre-pandemic show or movie looks so wrong because the general public is not socially distanced.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Walking outside and feeling naked, panicking for a moment thinking you forgot pants, and realizing you forgot a mask.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A care package from your grandma containing handmade masks with love in every stitch and (literally) 11 post-its reminding you to vote.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your frazzled prof positively elated by your use of cowboy emojis in the Zoom chat.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Being asked “Who’s John Kroger?” while someone in the distance launches into Sound of Silence.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

A wildfire photo essay givin’ you a hankerin’ for flamin’ hot cheetos.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Collective Twitter brainstorm of ways to steal from Commons via app (DO NOT).

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Being asked if you’re crying again over climate change, personal problems, or how pretty herons are.