Capricorn: Siren

While sirens need not seduce eligible sailors with salacious songs of sexual debauchery, go out on a limb a little for what you seek. Sing the song of your heart be it of existential angst, ye ol’ Horny’n’Sad, or the intricacies of the intertidal ecosystems you dwell in.

Aquarius: Wyvern

Two legs, wings, and a tail, you’re the whole package. Put that adaptiveness to good use and terrorize your local village, but don’t forget to smell some wildflowers while you’re at it.

Pisces: Bunyip

Originating in Aboriginal mythology, the bunyip is a classic lurker, and seeks the wet even in a landscape as dry and barren as Southeast Australia or the Reed College campus. For such a mythic swamp beast, no one can quite seem to put their finger on you. Or maybe you should just text back once in a while…

Aries: Fury

These vengeful goddesses, extracting justice on those who have failed to fulfill their promises, make passionate lovers and successful careers, yes, but they also make fantastic voters. Channel that rage, Aries, and earn that high horse.

Taurus: Kelpie

Every Taurus I’ve known could have very well been a disguised aquatic Scottish horse, conducting an elaborate long-term anthropological study on humans. At least with hooves you’re not barefoot-in-Commons eligible.

Gemini: Chupacabra

Don’t let the wildlife biologists invalidate you, just because they refuse to believe that all those livestock met their fate at your scaly hands. We see you, Gem. I tell ya, you know what really gets my goat? El chupacabra.

Cancer: Changeling

Having been draped on a daybed weeping just 20 minutes ago doesn’t make you any less of a lean, mean, fightin’ machine. Don’t be shy about your mercurial faerie folk roots.

Leo: Sphinx

Clever? Yep. Stately? Absolutely. Ruthless and regal? You betcha. Image monumentalized and adored worldwide? Indubitably. The Sphinx, on the other hand…

Virgo: Camazotz

Literally a “death bat,” the camazotz is renowned as a purely evil entity aiming solely to cause terror. A resolution to strive for, Virgo.

Libra: Chimaera

Traditionally a lion ft. a goat and a snake, chimaera also refers to any wildly imaginative, dazzling hybrids. Also traditionally a disastrous omen. Just like I always say: dazzle ‘em, then snatch their wallets.

Scorpio: Aqrabuamelu

One of the real wack-jobs of Akkadian mythology, you even make an appearance in the star-studded Tale of Gilgamesh. You’re also employable as guardian to the sun god, so keep on dressing for the job you want.

Sagittarius: Banshee

Return to academia with a ghastly complexion, continual mournful wailing, and eyes always red from the relentless weeping? Congrats, Sag, you’ve realized your truest monstrous form!


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